Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
