I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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