Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
