I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
