well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
