i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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