I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
