Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
