Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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