You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
