My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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