I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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