hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
