Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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