Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
