Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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