atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
