I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
