it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
