She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
