Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Randomize
