If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
