He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
