Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
