guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
