then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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