Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Rumble strips road head = magical
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize