Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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