based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
