The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Every concussion has its silver lining
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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