If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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