Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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