How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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