saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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