Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
True college students do jello shots in the library
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