my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
