Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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