We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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