those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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