either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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