its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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