I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
