just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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