What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize