god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
