I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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