Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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