i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
