cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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