This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
