i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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