the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
this is an emotional support booty call
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize