By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
