I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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