Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
